I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
