Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
