That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
