Your mouth is God's brothel.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
