I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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