Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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