She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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