Cold hands, warm shart.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
