What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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