Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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