The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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