So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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