My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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