my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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