so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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