wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
