he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize