I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
