Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
