No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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