Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
