my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
