Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize