you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
