i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
