he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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