i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
True strength comes from lack of pants
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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