My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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