i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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