I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
