dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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