So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
