Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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