The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dicks are not precious.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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