TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
