I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
