Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
