So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
