mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
