I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
please come you make the beer taste better
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
