got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
this will be a night to untag.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Randomize
