I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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