Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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