I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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