the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
