I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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