You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
