I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
