I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
