Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
you never un-have a 4some
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
