Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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