WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
