took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize