she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
