Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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