God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
